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that's all i'm trying to say. no, you do. i was looking it up online. it was saying with the economy being messed up, women are donating their eggs in an increased rate. you know how much you're getting on average? $10,000 to $15,000. that's a toyota corolla 2006 right there. that's a good car. guys can donate our stuff -- we get like 100 bucks or arrested depending on where we decide to donate it. [ laughter and applause ] and your biggest advantage is sexual 'cause our bodies give away our sexual motivations. if i'm talking to a girl, i'm dancing with her, i get an erection, she knows immediately why i'm talking to her. she like, "well, maybe he's not interested "in what it's like to live in manhattan. maybe something else is going on." [ laughter ] and as a guy, you got to do what? you got to lift it up, pull up your belt, cinch that bitch, right, just to keep it up here. yeah. remember the eighth-grade dance? ♪ thunder road "oh, we popped!" 'cause our bodies give us away. we get sexually excited. your bodies don't do that. it's not fair. if it was fair, when you got excited, your vagina would emit a little sound or something.
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hot guy walks by... [ mumbling and snarling ] [ laughter, cheers and applause ] "you want me to cut you with a knife? you want me to cut you with a knife?" [ snarling ] my name's mo mandel. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] -- captions by vitac -- captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome owe to "the daily show". any name is jon stewart.
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good show tonight. my guest tonight the wonderful jeff bridges is going to be joining us. we're very excited about that. [cheers and applause] so obviously for the past few nights we've talked about heavy, complex difficult to solve issues like gun control, the fiscal give. girard depardu's heard breaking-really heartbreaking -- from his beloved france. he really looks like the pixar character of himself, does he not? tonight we're going to have fun with a little piece we call. ♪ disgraced financial institutions. we're just trying to real hard to make (bleep) fun. you know that bank hsbc it turns out the initials stand for holy (bleep) bankrupt. >> hsbc is accused of transferring billions of dollars for nations like iran, doing
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business with firms linked to terrorism and enabling mexican drug cartels to move money through u.s. sub sid dairies. >> jon: money laundering with drug cartels and terrorist groups. i am surprised that those people would associate with bankers. [ laughter ] they have standards. banker slam! turley an industry populated with a lot of good people. i don't want to be so hard on these guys. you know? they did business with terrorists at the bank. everybody walked in. you don't know what they do. it's not like they were working with and counseling enemies on how to circumvent the entire security april rat russ. >> on at least one occasion hsbc taught them how to format messages so transactions would not be blocked by the united states. >> jon: are you (bleep) kidding me?
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they worked personally with these people to help them -- that is outrageous. i cannot believe our nation's enemies are getting better and more personal bank customer service than i am. i am going to have to transfer to hsbc. we can take solids. at least the hsbc guys they are going to send them up the river to the big house. >> not one person from hsbc will face prosecution. there's no criminal charges against any of the managers or individuals who lewd this to go on. >> jon: yeah, no, obviously river is the big house. by river i mean the same and by big house i mean a mansion on it. [ laughter ] so what is the actual unsatisfying risk punishment here. >> the u.s. government is expected to announce tomorrow that europe's biggest bank hsbc will pay $1.9 billion to settle money laundering charges. >> jon: oh, wow.
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$1.9 billion. i mean that's going to take them weeks -- [ laughter ] to pay down. why exactly no prosecution? >> the bank's lawyers have argued that a successful prosecution of hsbc could have put the bank out of business in the u.s. costing lots of jobs and disrupting financial markets. >> u.s. officials apparently agreed that many many ways hsbc became simply too tboig prosecute. >> jon: wait that -- that's a thing? you can get too big to -- your organization can reach a certain size and importance in this country that it grants you immunity from prosecution? you somehow shoot the legal moon is that what this is? these are horrific crimes but since your bank aves are the only ones in the neighborhood, i am not going to walk five (bleep) blocks to a bodega atm. i'll tell you that much. so carry on.
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[ laughter ] not every update in this segment involves crime and greed. there's also arrogance and general dowch -- doucheery. i give you aig. the company we bailed out. the shareholders have a message for america and contrary to commercials it's not thank you. >> there are some aig shareholders bring a $25 billion suit against the government because they claim the terms of bailout were too onerous. >> jon: suing the people who gave you $182 billion and saved your company. i can only assume because that act filled your hearts at aig with gratitude and then your immune system then attacked that as a foreign sub stance because like native americans with small pox you had no previous exposure. [ laughter ] who is the greedy mother
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(bleep) behind this lawsuit please don't be a jew. please don't be a jew. >> the man who filed the lawsuit is former aig c.e.o. hank greenberg. >> jon: noo! hank greenberg! all right not necessarily jewish. he could have changed his name from stuart. [ laughter ] by the way, i've never seen a man closer to saying the words release the hounds. [ laughter ] interesting side note, maurice hank greenberg is not only suing the u.s. government for so rudely saving his company, he is also attacking them in a new book set to be punished january 29. it's the exact same day that i'm releasing my book which is is called "don't buy maurice greenberg's (bleep) book."
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if you buy only one book this year about the stupidity of a book make it" don't buy maurice greenberg's (bleep) book." >> it's a ludicrous argument. >> talk about the hand that feeds you. >> they had a choice. they could have gone bankrupt they took our cash. >> i was stunned about. this i think it's crazy. >> jon: let's rein it in here. what aig shareholders are doing is objectively all of, but shock, surprising? aig, they put the a in (bleep). [ laughter ] don't you remember what happened right after we gave them the bailout money in 2008? >> only days after taxpayers provided $85 billion to bailout aig, company executives came here for a week-long retreat, wining, dining and golf. >> jon: if anything the only thing aig is guilty of is
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consistency, that and a series of catastrophic investments that brought the world to the brink of armageddon but that was pretty consistent. you'll never guess what the lawsuit is based on. >> the lawsuit claims the terms of bailout including the high interest rate it had to pay were unfair to shareholders. this sate terms deprived shareholders of tens of billions of dollars. >> jon: guy who used to run aig is mad because when his company was hit by a calamity they clearly weren't prepared for them the group that stepped in to provide funds this they need assessed the company and thought they had a preexisting condition called the money is all gone rea so they charged them a higher rate almost taking advantage of the company, profiting from their misfortune
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if you will csm did that upset you, aig,? it's also known as your business model. sue me? [cheers and applause]
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>> jon: hey, welcome back to the show. detroit michigan. the city that is doing perfectly fine and needs absolutely no free outside help regarding the infrastructure. al will explain. >> government spending is out of control. take the hard hit city of detroit. they are trying trying to builda billion dollar bridge to canada even though they have the ambassador bridge. fortunately detroiters of all
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walks are taking a stand. soccer moms. >> detroit does not need another bridge. >> tea partyers. >> it's not just detroit it's michigan tasms. >> even the black panthers. we don't need a new bridge. we need to spend money on feeding the needy. no second bridge period. we don't need it, we don't want it. >> mo bridges, mo problems, am i right? no. canada is acting like it makes fiscal sense for the u.s. >> the old bridge won't last forever. we don't know how long it's going to last. two million u.s. jobs alone depend on the trade that that bridge carries. >> but you realize this is not the time for american taxpayers to be forced to pay for a new bridge. >> they are not forced to pay for a new bridge. canada is page for the bridge. >> that's right. people of michigan are going to have to pay for the entire -- wait, what did he say? >> michigan will pay nothing for
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this bridge. >> define nothing. >> zero dollars, zero risk, zero liability. >> define zero. >> no cost to michigan at all. absolutely nothing. >> define nothing again. [ laughter ] but nothing probably means something especially when you consider how many times america has been burned by slick talking canadians. >> look, when politicians tell you that this isn't going to cost you nothing, grab your wallet, grab your money and run. break wide, dude. >> the canadians are saying they are going to pay for this bridge. i don't trust them. >> they say a lot of things sometimes in french. >> and they buy milk at sam's because canadian milk is very expensive. true story. >> what does that have to do with this? >> nothing. >> canada is offering a trojan horse. do you think they are going to hide a bunch of canadians in
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there and attack us once it's complete. no it's not going to be canadians it's chinamen. >> i just want americans on that brifnlg i don't want a trojan horse delivering china steel and chinamen. >> just fyi i don't think anybody is using chinamen anymore. the only people eligible are u.s. and canadian workers. the united states steelworks support this project. do you think they would support a project that uses chinese steel. >> why are they pushing a proposal that allows michigan to veto the second bridge. in fact, this sweet old detroit businessman is paying for commercials warning people. >> there's always hidden costs. >> somebody is going to pay for that bridges and it's going to be our children. >> come to think of it, why does he care so much? >> the 258th richest man in the united states is the owner of ambassador bridge and has been since, i think 1977.
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>> you are tell meg that one man owns the ambassador bridge. >> yes. >> you think i'm stupid? >> i don't think you are stupid at all. it's a fact. >> you think i'm sort of an (bleep), don't you? >> i don't know how to make it clearer one man opens the most important border crossing in north america. who let that happen? the voters of detroit. they allowed a private company to build and own the bridge which maroon brought 50 years later. wait until my black panther friend finds out an old white dude owns the only bridge to cand yanch mattie maroon, yes. >> the leader of black panthers is protecting an 85-year-old white billionaire. >> in this town i kick the ass not kiss it. >> why is why i have a difficult time trying to tell you how to
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run your black panther business but i think you are working for the man. let me get this straight an 85-year-old millionaire named mattie maroon somehow owns the only bridge that connects canada to detroit, michigan and now when a rival bridge proposal comes along, he takes out an ad campaign to slam the second bridge and people are doubting the canadians? >> yes. >> his a question: what did mattie maroon think? after all this is detroit his city. a town that trusted him about the -- with the bridge monopoly, his office wouldn't return our calls. i am here to talk to mr. maroon who owns the bridge. >> $4.75, sir. >> he owns the bridge. it's sort of a monopoly. i'll be back. hi, it's me again. i want to talk to matty maroon.
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that's fine. denise, don't you think it's odd that one man owns the bridge? >> you need to stop (bleep) around. >> oh, well, when push came to shove 59% of the community decided not to be completely stupid and shot down prop 6 which does mean 1.8 million detroiters still didn't want a free friggin bridge. i had one more question where (bleep) am i? >> in detroit, baby. >> exactly it was getting dark. time to get the (bleep) out of here. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> welcome back. my guest tonight academy award winning actor has written a book called "the dude and the zen master." please welcome back to the program mr. jeff bridges. [cheers and applause] ♪ [cheers and applause] >> wooo. nicely done. >> jon: what is up, man? >> yeah, man. >> jon: it's nice to sigh, my friend. how are you? >> i'm well. >> jon: "the dude and the zen master." i only expect you to say well because i imagine you are one of few people who can will yourself
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to well. >> well, on a good day. on a good day, yes. >> jon: what is -- "the dude and the zen master" i assumed you were the zen master. who is this other guy. >> bernie glassman who is the real thing. he is the zen master. >> jon: bernie glassman. >> he's one of you guys, yeah. >> jon: zen master. >> top of the line. top of the line. >> jon: what is -- for someone who introduces a moment zen every day, i know very little about it. >> ha, ha. that's right. >> jon: how do you become a master. is it a philosophy, a religion, a way of life. >> to be a master, you've got to study with a master and then he says, tag, you're it. >> jon: it's really not an accredititied situation. how do you know he's a master. does he say i'm the zen master and you're like, all right. >> he's got. i'll tell you how i know. >> jon: okay. >> i'm going to make you a zen
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master now and perhaps you can do this on your moment of zen. >> jon: i'd like that. >> okay. >> jon: am i going to have to walk across coals or anything? or am i cool? >> it's very simple. are you ready? stay right where you are. hua! boom man. >> jon: that's it? >> now you are done. [cheers and applause] now, we can continue although mine has a brownish tint to it. what does that mean a brownnose. i don't know i'm brown nosing. we can continue the interview. >> jon: all right. so that's all it takes. >> to see if -- >> jon: i'm a zen master i'm patch adams. what did you -- [ laughter ] >> bernie is also a clown. >> jon: he is a clun? >> he is a clown, a zen master. >> jon: sounds lost to me.
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>> no, man. no. >> jon: he's found? >> he's found. >> jon: where do you meet him? >> as a dinner with rahm dawes, the guy who wrote "be here now." >> jon: come on, he is on the giants? i don't follow spirituality. he's a good man, though? >> a very good man. >> jon: what does he help you with? what is the project you are on together? is a journey of self exploration? >> bernie was -- i met him at this thing. i dug the guy. we started to hang out. he says to me, by the way, do you realize that in buddha circles the dude is considered a zen master. i said what the (bleep) are you talking about? [ laughter ] he said, oh, yeah. he says, you know, just take it -- one thing who directed the movie? the coen brothers.
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he proceeds to tell me all the different. >> jon: that's a weak chi to good on. >> it got me. i said give me an example. he said like, well, (bleep) comes to light. a line from lebowski or shut the (bleep) up. coen. read the book, man! >> jon: any guy in any movie ever is the zen master. have you ever seen good fellas. go home and get your (bleep) shinebox. [ laughter ] what is it giving you? do you practice it? is it an art form? >> with zen, you mean? >> jon: has it given you a sense of peace or understanding? >> it's interconnectedness. realizing we're all until this together. that -- [ laughter ] we are one. we are one. [ laughter ]
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: it must be a ball to hang out with you guys. you hung out and had this long conversation about life and understanding. >> whatever came , you know. >> jon: and put it together. >> and boom! >> jon: if. i am to read this, when i get to the end of journey of the book what is my understanding then? what is the enlightenment that i find? >> that's up to you, jon. $ [laughter] $. >> jon: you are a zen master. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jon: that's exactly what you were supposed to say. you've done it. >> i forgot the nose. >> jon: i was really worried that it was filled with -- i was going to do this like -- [ laughter ] and that would be the end of it. it wasn't so funny for funnyman jon stewart. i'm delighted -- i have to tell you -- there's nothing more than i think would be interesting and fun than to spend a weekend
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(bleep) with jeff bridges and have somebody transcribe it into a book. i think that would be awesome "the dude and the zen master" is on the bookshelves now. ##++tutututukñb@
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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Comedy Central January 10, 2013 10:00am-10:30am PST

Jeff Bridges News/Business. Jeff Bridges. (2013) Actor Jeff Bridges. (CC)

TOPIC FREQUENCY Hsbc 9, Aig 9, Detroit 7, Jon 5, Canada 4, Michigan 3, Jon Stewart 3, Bernie 2, Hank Greenberg 2, Bernie Glassman 2, Maurice Greenberg 2, Mattie Maroon 2, Europe 1, Brown 1, Adams 1, Doucheery 1, Stuart 1, Mo 1, Maurice Hank Greenberg 1, Mo Mandel 1
Network Comedy Central
Duration 00:30:00
Rating PG-13;L
Scanned in San Francisco, CA, USA
Source Comcast Cable
Tuner Virtual Ch. 63 (COM-W)
Video Codec mpeg2video
Audio Cocec ac3
Pixel width 528
Pixel height 480
Sponsor Internet Archive
Audio/Visual sound, color

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on 1/10/2013